Frank & Funny Cards

• A card just for laughs

A little friendly advice ...

Inside: No matter how well things are going, it's always bad form to high five someone at an orgy.

Birthday card

A little health tip for your birthday ...

Inside: I heard a banana a day is a good way to help keep our colon clean. Turns out you're supposed to eat them.

A card just for laughs

A petting zoo is a horrible place to eat Raisinets.

Inside: There is no five-second rule at a petting zoo. If you lose one, LET IT GO; it was never meant to be.

Friendship card

After extensive research ...

Inside: Scientists have concluded that you're probably right about everything.

Get well card

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.

Inside: As long as you throw it hard enough.

A card just for laughs

Congratulations on your successful surgery.

Inside: Oh. Those are real? Well then, just plan congratulations.

Congratulations card

Congratulations! We are all insanely jealous.

Inside: Now isn't hearing that better than a gift?

Congratulations card

Dr. Lamaze suggests you can control the pain of childbirth through proper breathing.

Inside: I think he's the same doctor who told the guy with a broken leg to "walk it off." Congratulations.

Happy birthday card

 For your birthday, I was going to make you a list of all the benefits of growing older.

Inside: But, by the time I found my glasses, I forgot what I was doing.

Happy birthday card

For your birthday I bought you a goldfish from the pet store.

Inside: I know aquariums can be a pain so I left it the goldfish at the pet store. You can visit anytime. He's the orange one.

Get well card

Get well soon.

Inside: Hope nothing falls off.

Get well card

Get well soon.

Inside: Hope nothing falls off.

Happy birthday card

Half a harry birthday.

Inside: That damn autocorrect! Have a Happy Birthday!

Happy birthday card

Happy birthday ...

Inside: And so forth.

Happy birthday card

Happy birthday to the most amazing, smart, funny, and attractive person in the whole world.

Inside: Your Mom picked out the card.

Happy birthday card

Happy birthday!

Inside: The gift without the name tag is from me.

Happy birthday card

Happy birthday! For your eyes only!

Inside: Do me a favor. I couldn't think of anything to write, so please pretend that you're reading something really touching, maybe even wipe away a tear, and then look at me and say, "That is so beautiful. I didn't know you could write like that." Then if anyone asks to see the card, refuse, and tell them it was just too personal. Thanks, I owe you one.

Happy birthday card

Having a birthday is a lot like finding a warm spot in a swimming pool.

Inside: It feels good as long as you don't think about it.

A card just for laughs

I bought a free-range chicken. You know, the kind that runs free and gets pampered like a family pet, right up until the day they kill it.

Inside: It tasted surprised.

A card just for laughs

I like to be different. I celebrate Halloween in August.

Inside: When you show up at someone's house wearing a mask in August, you get better stuff.

Friendship card

I liked you on Facebook, I followed you on Twitter, I connected with you on LinkedIn ...

Inside: This card seems very unnecessary.

Friendship card

I love watching reality shows ...

Inside: When I compare our lives with theirs, I suddenly think, "My God! We should be wearing capes! We're awesome!"

Happy birthday card

I read that satori is a state of near-enlightenment when your mind is completely devoid of thoughts.

Inside: All this time you thought you were having "senior moments." It turns out you're a Zen master.

A card just for laughs

I tried meditation.

Inside: I think I was doing it wrong. My meditation was, "Ohhhhmmmm my God, I've got so much to do I can't believe I am sitting here wasting time breathing instead of picking up my dry cleaning and making flight plans for next week and hey my chest hurts maybe I should see a doctor ...

Friendship card

I used to wonder why diets never worked for me.

Inside: And then I thought, maybe this much awesomeness can't possibly fit into a smaller size.

A card just for laughs

If you have a room full of Good Housekeeping magazines, you are probably a hoarder.

Inside: And you should probably cancel your subscription, because I don't think it's working.

Encouragement card

If you're confident enough, every zoo is a petting zoo.

Inside: Go for it.

Get well card

Laughter is the best medicine ...

Inside: Unless you have diarrhea.

Friendship card

My roommate said her cat barfed on my bed because she feels comfortable around me.

Inside: Let's always keep a little tension between us. I don't ever want to be barf-close.

Encouragement card

Never give up on your dreams.

Inside: Except the one about super powers - that one's not happening.

A card just for laughs

Never lie about passing gas.

Inside: If you do, people might think that's your regular smell.

Congratulations card

Now that you're having a baby, you can't go to the spa whenever you want or travel halfway around the world at a moment's notice.

Inside: But I can! And I promise to tell you all about it. Congratulations.

A card just for laughs

Relax. Your hormonal rages and dramatic tantrums won't last forever. One day they will end.

Inside: Then you will grow a beard.

Friendship card

Self-help experts say that whatever you think about expands in the universe.

Inside: That's why I never think about my butt.

Friendship card

Some people look at the glass and say it's half full. Others look at the glass and say it's half empty.

Inside: You look at the glass and say, "Can't anyone pick up after themselves around here?"

A card just for laughs

Speaking to a cat in a high-pitched voice creates endorphins.

Inside: Getting caught erases them.

A card just for laughs

The creator of Spanx is a billionaire.

Inside: Of course she is. Because bacon and doughnuts are delicious.

Happy birthday card

The four things men most worry about are their hair, their height, their penis size, and their income.

Inside: At least you've got one out of four.

Happy birthday card

The golden rule says to love others as you love yoruself.

Inside: But you can't just walk around touching people like that. Enjoy your birthday (in moderation).

A card just for laughs

They say a great way to lose weight is to eat naked in front of a mirror.

Inside: That doesn't work, by the way. And, consequently, I'm no longer welcome at Target.

Get well card

This is a get-well card for anyone without health insurance.

Inside: Just put it on an open wound and apply pressure.

Happy birthday card

This is a high-tech birthday card.

Inside: If you don't like it, wait six months, and there will be a funnier version with more features

Happy birthday card

What do you get for someone who has everything?

Inside: This card.

Friendship card

When the revolution comes, we could be a sniper team!

Inside: It would be fun--us lying in the grass, you whispering coordinates. Come on, you always say we should get together more.

Congratulations card

Why don't you stop overachieving ...

Inside: And settle into the warm embrace of mediocrity like the rest of us?

Happy birthday card

Why isn't thre a national put a spider in your belly button day?

Inside: Speaking of special days, enjoy yours. Happy birthday.

Happy birthday card

With age comes wisdom.

Inside: Whoever wrote that never saw slot machines in Vegas. Happy birthday.

A card just for laughs

You've got to love marsupials.

Inside: No pants, and still a place to put their keys.