A little friendly advice ...
Inside: No matter how well things are going, it's always bad form to high five someone at an orgy.
A little health tip for your birthday ...
Inside: I heard a banana a day is a good way to help keep our colon clean. Turns out you're supposed to eat them.
A petting zoo is a horrible place to eat Raisinets.
Inside: There is no five-second rule at a petting zoo. If you lose one, LET IT GO; it was never meant to be.
After extensive research ...
Inside: Scientists have concluded that you're probably right about everything.
Get well card
An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
Inside: As long as you throw it hard enough.
A card just for laughs
Congratulations on your successful surgery.
Inside: Oh. Those are real? Well then, just plan congratulations.
Congratulations! We are all insanely jealous.
Inside: Now isn't hearing that better than a gift?
Dr. Lamaze suggests you can control the pain of childbirth through proper breathing.
Inside: I think he's the same doctor who told the guy with a broken leg to "walk it off." Congratulations.
Happy birthday card
For your birthday, I was going to make you a list of all the benefits of growing older.
Inside: But, by the time I found my glasses, I forgot what I was doing.
For your birthday I bought you a goldfish from the pet store.
Inside: I know aquariums can be a pain so I left it the goldfish at the pet store. You can visit anytime. He's the orange one.
Get well soon.
Inside: Hope nothing falls off.
Half a harry birthday.
Inside: That damn autocorrect! Have a Happy Birthday!
Happy birthday ...
Inside: And so forth.
Happy birthday to the most amazing, smart, funny, and attractive person in the whole world.
Inside: Your Mom picked out the card.
Inside: The gift without the name tag is from me.
Happy birthday! For your eyes only!
Inside: Do me a favor. I couldn't think of anything to write, so please pretend that you're reading something really touching, maybe even wipe away a tear, and then look at me and say, "That is so beautiful. I didn't know you could write like that." Then if anyone asks to see the card, refuse, and tell them it was just too personal. Thanks, I owe you one.
Having a birthday is a lot like finding a warm spot in a swimming pool.
Inside: It feels good as long as you don't think about it.
I bought a free-range chicken. You know, the kind that runs free and gets pampered like a family pet, right up until the day they kill it.
Inside: It tasted surprised.
I like to be different. I celebrate Halloween in August.
Inside: When you show up at someone's house wearing a mask in August, you get better stuff.
I liked you on Facebook, I followed you on Twitter, I connected with you on LinkedIn ...
Inside: This card seems very unnecessary.
I love watching reality shows ...
Inside: When I compare our lives with theirs, I suddenly think, "My God! We should be wearing capes! We're awesome!"
I read that satori is a state of near-enlightenment when your mind is completely devoid of thoughts.
Inside: All this time you thought you were having "senior moments." It turns out you're a Zen master.
I tried meditation.
Inside: I think I was doing it wrong. My meditation was, "Ohhhhmmmm my God, I've got so much to do I can't believe I am sitting here wasting time breathing instead of picking up my dry cleaning and making flight plans for next week and hey my chest hurts maybe I should see a doctor ...
I used to wonder why diets never worked for me.
Inside: And then I thought, maybe this much awesomeness can't possibly fit into a smaller size.
If you have a room full of Good Housekeeping magazines, you are probably a hoarder.
Inside: And you should probably cancel your subscription, because I don't think it's working.
If you're confident enough, every zoo is a petting zoo.
Inside: Go for it.
Laughter is the best medicine ...
Inside: Unless you have diarrhea.
My roommate said her cat barfed on my bed because she feels comfortable around me.
Inside: Let's always keep a little tension between us. I don't ever want to be barf-close.
Never give up on your dreams.
Inside: Except the one about super powers - that one's not happening.
Never lie about passing gas.
Inside: If you do, people might think that's your regular smell.
Now that you're having a baby, you can't go to the spa whenever you want or travel halfway around the world at a moment's notice.
Inside: But I can! And I promise to tell you all about it. Congratulations.
Relax. Your hormonal rages and dramatic tantrums won't last forever. One day they will end.
Inside: Then you will grow a beard.
Self-help experts say that whatever you think about expands in the universe.
Inside: That's why I never think about my butt.
Some people look at the glass and say it's half full. Others look at the glass and say it's half empty.
Inside: You look at the glass and say, "Can't anyone pick up after themselves around here?"
Speaking to a cat in a high-pitched voice creates endorphins.
Inside: Getting caught erases them.
The creator of Spanx is a billionaire.
Inside: Of course she is. Because bacon and doughnuts are delicious.
The four things men most worry about are their hair, their height, their penis size, and their income.
Inside: At least you've got one out of four.
The golden rule says to love others as you love yoruself.
Inside: But you can't just walk around touching people like that. Enjoy your birthday (in moderation).
They say a great way to lose weight is to eat naked in front of a mirror.
Inside: That doesn't work, by the way. And, consequently, I'm no longer welcome at Target.
This is a get-well card for anyone without health insurance.
Inside: Just put it on an open wound and apply pressure.
This is a high-tech birthday card.
Inside: If you don't like it, wait six months, and there will be a funnier version with more features
What do you get for someone who has everything?
Inside: This card.
When the revolution comes, we could be a sniper team!
Inside: It would be fun--us lying in the grass, you whispering coordinates. Come on, you always say we should get together more.
Why don't you stop overachieving ...
Inside: And settle into the warm embrace of mediocrity like the rest of us?
Why isn't thre a national put a spider in your belly button day?
Inside: Speaking of special days, enjoy yours. Happy birthday.
With age comes wisdom.
Inside: Whoever wrote that never saw slot machines in Vegas. Happy birthday.
You've got to love marsupials.
Inside: No pants, and still a place to put their keys.
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